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Elton's Bitchionary
Wednesday, October 6 2004

Following Elton's attack on Madonna, newspapers - especially those in the UK - are full of Elton these days.

According to the Sun, no one is safe from the acid tongue of Britain’s scariest knight, Sir Elton John. According to the newspaper, Madonna was just the latest victim in a long line of astonishing Eltbursts.

On October 5, 2004, the Sun crowned Sir Elton Queen Bitch and compiled a “bitchionary” of his tirades.

AIDE: Elton once screamed the F-word 20 TIMES at an aide who forgot to pick up his costume for a video shoot.

BENEFIT: At an AIDS fundraiser in 2000, Elton bitched to a waiter: “This is like a third-rate wedding” after his dinner was late.

COWELL: Pop Idol’s Mr Nasty got a tongue-lashing from Elton.

He said: “I am on the side of the artists. I am not on the side of someone like Simon Cowell who sees them as another Mercedes Benz in his pocket.”

DANNY FOSTER: Elton is not a fan of his band Hear’Say. He said: “They are the ugliest band I’ve ever seen. If you’re going to have a boy band or girl band then they’ve got to be good-looking. The guy Danny looks like Shrek. I feel sorry for them.”

ELTON: The arch bitcher can’t even resist a pop at HIMSELF. After watching fly-on-the-wall documentary Tantrums And Tiaras he said: “I looked at myself and thought: ‘She’s an absolute cow!’ I had to laugh. I was just impossible.”

FLOWER ARRANGERS: Thought they were harmless? Think again. When presented with a bouquet once Elton delivered a withering: “I loathe flower arranging — it’s a hideous profession.”

GRAMMYS: Elton caused uproar when he reviewed a Stevie Wonder video on kids TV show Live And Kicking. He joked: “Grammy Awards only go to disabled people.” Producers were forced to apologise on his behalf.

HELLO: Whatever you do don’t utter this friendly greeting to Queen Elton. He cut short a holiday in the South of France because a fan said hello. He ranted: “I’m supposed to be on f**ing holiday. I’m never coming here again, get me on a plane tomorrow.” Let’s hope no one annoyed him more by saying goodbye.

INJUSTICE: Elton branded the American public “incredibly racist” when three black contestants on TV show American Idol continually came bottom of the viewers’ phone poll despite having brilliant voices.

JORDAN: Elton didn’t like her whoppers, branding her “a ridiculous liar” when she claimed his pal Becks made a play for her.

KING: Elton wished he was “King of the music business” so he could ban music video TV. Luckily for MTV he doesn’t have blue blood.

LUCY GEORGE: She was the photographer who tried to snap Elton leaving Liz Hurley’s home. He bawled: “I hope you die of cancer of the clitoris.”

MADONNA: As well as this week’s outburst he previously attacked her for complaining about lack of privacy, saying: “We have this wailing from people like Madonna who’ve manipulated the press to suit their own ends.”

NOSE: According to Rod Stewart, big bully Elton regularly teases him about the size of his hooter.

Rod said: “Elton always calls me Phyllis and makes fun of my nose.”

OSCARS: Elt did not mince his words after this year’s Oscars. “It was the most boring Oscars I have ever seen. I thought there might be one surprise in the song category but even there Lord Of The Rings won. And I don’t think it deserved to.”

POP MUSIC: Elton caught a host of pop pups in this swipe at the industry. He ranted: “The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Britney Spears, S Club 7, Steps — the music is like packets of cereal. There are too many of them, too many of them are just average and mediocre.”

Q AWARDS: The Rocket Man went into orbit at the awards bash this week, exclaiming “F*** off!” at the idea of Madonna being Best Live Act and branding Robbie Williams “not a well budgie.”

RUDE: Elton branded a female guest at a charity bash “One rude bitch” when she said she could play the piano better than him. He stormed out and had to be coaxed back by organisers.

SORRY: No don’t be silly, Elton has never actually said sorry but the music critic who panned the singer’s duet with Blue certainly was. Elt fired off a fax saying: “Sorry happens to be a beautiful song sung by Frank Sinatra among others. As a musician, I know this. As a w*****, you wouldn’t. Have a nice day.”

TINA TURNER: Elton flew into a rage with the leggy diva during rehearsals.

No one knows exactly what he said but Tina later admitted: “I learned the hard way that you don’t tell Elton what to do.”

UGLY: This is what he branded the Diana Memorial Fountain. Appalled at the tribute, the Candle In The Wind singer said: “It’s purely ugly, it looks like a sewer.”

VILE PIGS: In a recent tirade Elton screamed “rude, vile pigs” at police and photographers who were waiting for him at Taiwan airport.

WATFORD FC: Even Elt’s beloved footie team don’t escape his sarcasm. When in the running for an Oscar he said: “I’ll be fine if I don’t get an Oscar. I was chairman of Watford FC so I know what it’s like to lose.”

X-WIFE: He said of former wife Renate Blauel: “The nicest person I have ever met. I don’t have one negative thing to say about her.” I beg your pardon, Elton?

YOO-HOO: Do not under any circumstance say this to Elton. In 1996 he threw a wobbly when a female fan called “Yoo-hoo” as he was playing tennis. Elton raged: “It p*****d me off. I take my tennis seriously.”

ZELLWEGER: Elton left svelte star Renee distraught when he implied she was too thin and had an eating disorder.

Related News

  • Elton John slams Madonna at rock awards
        Tuesday, October 5 2004 at 05:03:59


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